


me: roman

by leileeorlie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Prinxiety - Freeform, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:11:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15818631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leileeorlie/pseuds/leileeorlie
Summary: can i still save you?





	1. nice to meet you

Prologue  
The Ordinary World

 

_Nice to Meet You_

**| start |**

Greetings, it is I. The magnificent and wonderful Roman. The great fantastic one! The one you can count on to save you, the one who does great things such as saving people like that.

Why do you believe those lies?

I’m no hero, I’m no Disney Prince.

I’m average. Below average.

Absolutely miserable and horrible, is what I am. I am the person who fails to save people. The person who fails to do something. I failed at saving the one and only person that I cared about. Who am I?

I am the real me.

I, am Roman. I’m not the Disney Prince you think I am.

Or was.

I had failed and it’s not a mistake you can fix, and it’s not a mistake you can forget. It’s a mistake you made that has affected everyone you knew.

I knew him. No, it’s much more than that.

**I loved him.**

And I can’t go back in time.

I can’t go back to tell him I do.

It’s already far too late.

I did this to him, I caused him all the pain he felt. I did this to him, I caused him to feel every emotion that I wish I could’ve saved him from. I could have fixed him, I could have helped him, I could have changed this outcome. If only, if only I did.

I messed him up more instead.

I told him it was his fault, I told him that he could have been better, I told him he should’ve changed how he was, I told him to die, I told him he was horrible, I told him all the things I didn’t actually believe.

I told him lies. I told myself lies. I told everyone lies.

But the one I love believed them. He believed my lies, and fell for them, trapping him in a dark abyss I could’ve stopped him from.

But I didn’t.

But I didn’t.

But I didn’t.

**But I didn’t.**

Have you ever murdered someone? Have you ever broken someone? Have you ever messed someone up? I hate to say it, but I did. I murdered my lover, I broke my lover in pieces, I messed my lover’s head into shards of glass.

I’m sorry, my love.

I’m sorry I drove you to do something so horrific.  
I’m sorry I drove you to break yourself.   
I’m sorry I drove you to mess yourself up.   
I’m sorry I drove you to hurt yourself.   
I’m sorry I drove you to starve yourself.   
I’m sorry I drove you to drown yourself.   
I’m sorry I drove you to hang yourself.   
I’m sorry I drove you to madness.   
I’m sorry I drove you to kill yourself.

If only you could hear my apologies.  
If only you could hear my words.   
If only you could hear how I felt.   
If only you could hear, me.

You’re gone.

You’ve disappeared. No one can get you back.

Patton has shattered knowing he failed you, knowing he let you down when all you needed was someone to lift you back up. He’s been an emotional train wreck, if you saw him, I bet you would tell him to just get up and tell him he’s amazing.

But you’re not there anymore to tell him that he’s smart in his own way, you’re not there anymore to tell him that he can do it, even if it doesn’t look like it.

Logan has been working non-stop, knowing he has to replace your job now. He has to keep informing Thomas what can and cannot harm him. He has to work a lot more. He’s been skipping sleeping and no one can stop him. He’s a workaholic at this point, if you saw him, I bet you would tell him to finally go to sleep.

But you’re not there anymore to tell him he needs sleep as much as I, or Patton, or Thomas do. You’re not there anymore to tell him that he deserves a rest and needs to help himself once in a while.

Thomas has been acting unusual and is never on edge and is always about to hurt himself somehow. He’s been dismal, doing his best to stay logical about everything, while making videos. He’s been an emotional workaholic without you to tell him to suck it up and start taking care of himself.

But you’re not there anymore to tell him that he needs to tend to himself before his viewers. The others will, of course, understand he needs a break or something. You’re not there to scare him or worry him about things that could happen.

Me? I’m a mess without you. I haven’t been able to do anything without you here to stop me from dreaming too much, I haven’t been able to do anything without you here to stop me from doing anything stupid or unnecessary or completely not needed.

You’re not there anymore to tell me “No” to dreams that are unachievable.  
You’re not there anymore to tell me “No” when I’m thinking about doing something stupid.   
You’re just, not there.

You, no, I did.

I made you take more than the pills you were supposed to take a day.

I made you sneak a rope and tie it around your neck.

I broke you.

And all you did, when you gave me a letter, was forgive me for all my actions.

And instead apologised for _my_ mistakes.

“I’m sorry” I whispered to the empty room in front of me, which carries how you smelled like a lavender, which carries your old emo style.

I can’t help but fall to my knees when I open your door, because I remember seeing your pale, lifeless body there.

“I’m sorry” I repeat again, feeling the warm tears stream across my face.

I can’t help but feel you there, looking at me and saying “It’s okay. I’m sorry I put you in this pain.”

And I can’t help but believe you’ll be back again, where I can fix what I did and I can fix you. I can help you, save you, stop you from feeling this way.

  
  


**I can’t help but feel all these things, despite knowing the truth that’s so obviously there.**

 

**You’re gone.**

**And you’re not coming back.**

**| finish |**

 


	2. a second chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can i still save you?

Chapter One   
Call to the Misadventures

 

_ A Second Chance _

**| begin |**

“Roman?” I heard Patton call from behind me, I had probably been too loud when I entered your room, “Why are you awake?”

“I- I apologise greatly, Patton, I just-” I managed out, tripping on my words, careful not to shatter someone else close to me.

“It’s okay, kiddo, I know you’re hurting the most out of all of us. I know it must be painful, but you have to stay strong. If not for us, then for him.” Patton whispered, apprehensive about saying your name.

“I know.” Were the words I wanted to say proudly and out loud, but my lips wouldn’t spill them out. Instead, my mouth pursed itself shut.

Patton gave me a weak smile, walking away to make some food in the kitchen. It hurt to know that they were all staying strong and keeping themselves to stay up and work so much harder to replace your job, along with mine.

_ Goodness, I’m so useless _ .

I looked around to see if I could find the person who normally playfully punched my arm to snap me out of my thoughts.

But you weren’t there.

Of course, you’re not. It’s my fault you aren’t. I forced my feet to drag myself back to my room, looking in the mirror and immediately facing it the other way. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the one who murdered you.

“Ro? Breakfast is ready..” Patton gently knocked on my door, leaning against the doorway to look at me, “Come on, you haven’t eaten since two days ago. You have to go eat something.”

“I don’t deserve your kindness, Patton.” I painfully laughed out, following him down to the kitchen.

My stomach had longed for food, how did you survive so many weeks and days without food? How did you survive with just the smallest amount of food a day? You managed to do all these things and I can’t even go a few days without it.

“Roman, I know you’re beating yourself about this, and as much as you want to deny it, I know about the trips you take to Virgil’s room every day.”

“Quite accurate, for I do notice this strange behaviour as well.” Logan cleared his throat, “Though I suppose I could approach you about something.”

I had grabbed some pancakes and blindly started eating them, while closely listening to Logan who took the seat across from me, Patton sitting next to me.

I stared at the empty seat that was always untidily pushed in and was moved to the head of the table. I never knew why, but you always loved that seat, and a few days, we raced for it.

“I propose you an idea. A theory, and a risky gamble.” Logan started, trying to gain my attention.

“Lo… I don’t think Roman’s ready for it just yet.” Patton uttered out, only loud enough for both Logan and me to hear.

“I know what you mean, Patton. However, looking at all three of us, it may be our one and only option.”

“What do you mean?” I had finished the pancakes, Patton whispering ‘I’ll get it’ and proceeded to wash the dishes.

“Roman. Are you completely sure you are willing to hear this?”

“I am.”

“Very well then—”

Just as Logan was about to start explaining his ingenious plan, a loud crash had sounded behind us.

**Patton.**

He had dropped a dish when trying to put it in the drying rack and was barely even keeping himself up. Logan and I had already run to his aid.

“Patton, can you see me?” Logan carefully asked.

Patton nodded his head.

“Can you walk to the couch?”

Patton nodded his head, both of us guiding him to lay down on the couch. I could feel him burning up.

“A fever, he’s probably keeping himself up along with the piles of stress.” Logan analyzed, of course, he knew exactly what was happening.

“What about the-” I began.

“Not right now, okay Roman? I know I have yet to tell you of the plan, but right now we have to worry about Patton.” Logan cut off, already creating multiple items and feeding a pill to Patton that he had to sadly swallow.

“Lo-” Patton whispered.

“Sh, sh, just rest, for now, you need to take a break.”

Then it hit me.

**I was a burden.**

I was causing them both to stress out, work too much because I couldn’t keep my own emotions under control. Even Patton had to work harder and he’s got his own problems. What am I doing? Can you see me, my love? Can you see us?

Look at the mess here, look at us breaking down without you here. I’m not blaming you, love.

**I blame myself.**

I know I’m right. I just know it. After all, I practically screwed you up into so many pieces I don’t even know how I did that.

“I- I’m going to leave.” I breathed out, walking the lifeless body to your room once more. The door opens once more. The image of you remains there. The person I loved the most, devoid of life. You were gone. You had disappeared. The light of life just flickered out of you. But I wonder a crazy and insane idea.

What would happen if I joined you, love? What would happen if I let go of the light that I’ve been holding onto? I would be able to join you, and I could guide your hands into mine. Then, I’d be happy. I’d be happy with the light of my life back in my hands and arms.

The blade. The blade you used still lays in your drawer. The one I bet you used countless times after I had lashed out at you. With a light tug, the drawer opens. There it is. The stained black pocket knife. I could use it if I wanted to. I could use it to bring you back to me. I could use it to bring myself back to you.

The key to the door back to you lays in my frozen hands as I pick up the cold metal.

Before I can even put it against my skin, you clear my mind into thinking straight.

_ If I actually did it, I’d be causing even more drama and unnecessary ordeals. _

I carefully place the blade back in the drawer, only noticing a small string that blends in quite well with the dark wood that the drawer was made of. I pull on the string, and what seemed to be the bottom of the drawer from the inside, came off.

Underneath had revealed so many journals, art books, books in general, papers, and neatly placed above all of them:

An envelope.

With your little thunderstorm logo as the sticker closing it up. I made sure to gently open the envelope, unfolding the perfect letter with your perfect handwriting.

_ Dear Prince, _ _   
_ _ I knew you’d visit my room multiple times or even multiple times a day just so you could long for my presence once more again. I knew you’d find this eventually. Sadly, this is the very last thing I’ll ever write before finally disappearing from here. I knew you would blame yourself because of all the mean things you told me. It’s okay, I swear. I knew you would try to harm yourself, but I swear on your life I’ll be by your side to protect you at all costs. However, I wanted you to find this for an important reason, Princey. _

_ I know this is going to sound not like me. Though I don’t really care anymore, I just wanted this to get off my chest after all this time. _

_ I love you. _ _   
_ _ I love you so, so much. _ _   
_ __ But I know, you won’t ever love me back.

_ Which is why I forgave you for everytime you hurt me. Every time you shouted, did something that meant to hurt, I didn’t care. _

_ Because I love you. _

_ I forgive you if you don’t love me back. I’m sorry I left you in the dust like this. _

_ I wish I had the courage to tell you before this. _

_ I don’t know if you’ll want to remember or keep this letter to you, but, my dear Prince. _

**_I love you._ **

_ \- V _

Why.   
Why.   
Why?

Why do you love me back? I hurt you. I hurt you in so many ways anyone could imagine.

I did all these things, why would you love me when  **I hurt you** .

\---

A slow week had passed, and I’m even more torn that you loved me back. Each day I read the letter over and over again, seeing if you have any sign of deception. No sign of any lies in your writing.

It hurt to watch each passing day and you were quietly hurting as the days slowed down along with you.

Patton had finally gotten better, though he was really apologetic about it and swore that he would try to take as many breaks as he could.

“Roman! Could you come down here with us, kiddo? It’s a house meeting.” Patton called from the kitchen.

I dragged myself up from your bed and took my time to the kitchen, taking my usual seat and cursing at myself looking at your seat.

“I had already informed Patton about this, so you’re the last one I need to explain this about, Roman.” Logan cleared his throat, looking me straight in the eye, with a serious expression, “You have to be willing to hear it.”

“I am.”

  
  
  
  


“We can get Virgil back.”

Another door had opened, with a separate key.

**| finish |**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did it!  
> are you proud of me?  
> .3.
> 
> \- ro/laz


	3. a few doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tell me the answers, please.  
> i beg of you.

Chapter Two   
A Dangerous Decision

 

_ The Few Doors _

**| start |**

“What do you mean, we can get him back?” I asked, majorly frustrated. What did he mean I could have you back? I believed you were gone, I thought I had crushed you!

“I know it sounds impossible, Roman, but if he was truly gone, his room wouldn’t be here anymore. It sounds absurd, especially to you, but all three of us know that Thomas has still been feeling the smallest bit of anxiousness.” Logan confirmed.

“Logan! Do you know how illogical you sound right now?! We saw him that day! You know what we saw!” Furious, was what I was. No. Much more than that. I was enraged.

“I’m not taking any more of this, Logan.” I hissed, trying to get my point across when I say that you weren’t going to come back.

You were gone. And I had finally accepted that I could never see you again. I had stood up and begun to leave until Patton grabbed my shirt.

“Roman. Listen, I know it does sound ‘absurd’ and ‘illogical’ but Logan is right. We can get Virgil back if you just help us.” Even Patton? Even he agreed to this plan? What do they take you for? They saw your letters! They saw you in your room! They saw everything, “Listen, I know it does sound crazy, but you have to hear him out.”

“Remember that after we saw him, you and I both know that the next day, his body was gone.” Logan explained though I continue to not buy it, “His room would’ve been gone the same day if Vi—, no,  _ he _ , had died.”

I was glad he hadn’t said your name. I wouldn’t have let him get away with it. Only Patton was allowed to say your gracious name. Not me, or Logan, had the right to say it. We both were the faults of your  _ death _ . And we're going to face all the consequences.

“I’ll leave you to think about the choices we have, Roman.” Logan sighed, going back to his room, Patton had finally let go and left me with my thoughts as he retreated back to his room as well.

I don’t know what to do, my love. Should I do it? Or should I not. I don’t know. Can you be here to tell me what I can do?

Of course, you’re not there. You’re not here to tell me what I should do.

I have a few choices to pick, each of them leading to different endings and different roads.

I could do the shortest road that many people have walked on, taking their own lives to be with their loved ones. I could do it right now, the key being easily accessible.

I have another door I can open, the key lies in my heart and soul. Its road is a tough and rocky road but goes to the ending where I won’t be yours anymore. It leads to a whole other life that I wasn’t willing to go through.

Lastly, the door that Logan offers the key to. It starts off as a rocky road but can go two ways afterwards. It all depends on me. The door will also close off if I don’t go for it. So was I really willing to go for it, and possibly have high hopes only to be crushed again?

_ Yes. _

All I could hear were the words of encouragement in my head, telling me to keep going, telling me I can do it, even if I know you’re not actually there. You’re telling me to keep my head up high and to never forget that this is where I can get you back.

I could get you back, I could have you back safely.

_ Lies. _ It’s all  _ lies _ . I know for a fact I can’t get you back, you wrote to me that you loved me and you had written that this was going to be the last letter you’d be able to write! How could we get you back, love? How can we get you back after all this time? Can you tell me, love?

Tell me which door I have to pick to get back to you.

\---

Another slow week had passed, Logan and Patton both begun to start taking breaks, sure it was only a few, but it was at least something. We were recovering, but I’m sure both of them want to approach me about whether or not I want to go for their plan.

In all honesty, I’m still not sure myself.

It just seems impossible to get you back, after all this time, I still believe you’re not going to come back. I have to make the choice eventually, the door is gradually slipping from my grasp as the days go by.

“Roman, we- no- I need to know if you’re going to help us. You’ve been avoiding this question for a whole week now.” Patton poked his head through the doorway, “I don’t know if you want to answer this or not, but we gave you a whole week and- I just-”

“Give me two hours and I’ll give you a whole answer.” I sighed, knowing I had to make the decision soon, “I’m sorry for making you and Logan wait, Patton.”

Patton only gave a sad smile and walked away, probably to tell Logan my sad answer. One deep breath, and one step at a time to your room to find any more secrets to give me an answer. It still pains me to open up your door and to smell your lavender smell that continues to fade each passing day. Your room still devoid of any signs of life. It still pains me to open up your door and see the image of you, the last time I was able to see you.

My love, can you give me an answer? Can you tell me how to fix this mess? Can you tell me which door is the best one to go through?

I’m a mess without you, love.

I need you as my light to guide me where to go. I need you.

\---

“Roman, it’s been two hours, can you tell us what your answer is now?” Logan had asked when we all finished our dinner at the table.

“I’ll do it.”

“There’s the Roman I know.”

“Thanks, kiddo.”

_ “You did it.” _

\---

_ Addressed to My Disney Prince, _

_ You can do it. I believe in you. I believe in what Logan and Patton are planning. I just need your help to get me out of here, okay? _

_ Don’t give up, and don’t forget me. _

**_I love you._ **

_ \- V _

\---

How could I ever forget you?

Thank you for the reassurance in my decision.

I swear on my life, and on your’s now, I will stay by your side to protect you and save you.

I love you too.

Stay safe.

**| finish |**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ve gone and done did it lol
> 
> if you’re confused, roman had found a letter in virgil’s room
> 
> thanks for reading <3  
> see you on the flip side  
> \- ro/laz

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, see you later! <3
> 
> -chris


End file.
